Last Friday, September 7, Mac Miller passed away from an overdose at the age of 26 and I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it. My earliest memory of Mac Miller’s music was when I saw my cousin’s tweet about him in the summer of 2011. I first watched the “Wear My Hat” music video followed by “Best Day Ever,” and the lyrics from that song stuck with me:
“No matter where life takes me, find me with a smile /Pursuit to be happy, only laughing like a child/ I never thought life would be this sweet/ It got me cheesin' from cheek to cheek/ And I ain't going to wait for nothing/ Cause that just ain't my style/ Life couldn't get better/ This 'gon be the best day ever.”
At the time, I was a 17-year-old about to enter senior year of high school. I had gotten my heart broken for the first time and I lost myself a little. I was tired of being sad and I listened to those lyrics and thought, "I like that outlook. I want to start senior year with that mindset. I want to be more positive."
Two years later, on Labor Day, I bumped into him in New York City. It was an exciting surprise. I was hanging out with my friend Beatriz that day; we were actually trying to meet Rihanna because we figured out where she was staying and coincidentally, I saw Mac walk out of the same hotel accompanied by a blonde girl, who I think was his girlfriend at the time. I was shocked to see him. I discreetly told Beatriz, “Oh my god, look! That’s Mac Miller. Let’s ask him for a picture.” I calmly approached him, said hi, and asked him for a photo. He was super nice and said, “sure.” Then it was my friend’s turn. Before posing for the photo, she looked at him kind of surprised and said, “you smell so good!” He gave us this weird look, almost questioning if he should've been offended, but instead, he just laughed and went about his night.
I went home really happy that night. It was a small encounter, but it made my day, especially because he was someone whose work I admired for a while now. His music helped me get through a difficult time, which is why his death is hard to accept. Now, I can’t stop thinking about that day and I keep thinking to myself, “Who would’ve thought five years and five days from that encounter he’d pass away?” It freaks me out.
Aside from it being incredibly sad, it’s a bit of a mind-fuck when I hear about someone’s passing because I always look back and think it could’ve been prevented. If only they would have talked to a friend that night, if only they would’ve been somewhere else at that moment, if only they would’ve never consumed drugs and overdosed, if only they could’ve gotten the help they needed. But “if only’s” don’t really matter when we’re dealing with death.
It makes me think about my own life and the people in it, like how limited our time here is, how people can appear like they’re okay when they’re battling their own demons, and how it makes mental health that much real. I’ve heard stories about people I once knew get into heavy drugs due to depression and I’ve had people close to me tell me about their suicide attempts. I’ve had my own demons too, and there’s comfort to know I'm not the only one going through something. But, at the same time, it’s scary as hell because when it’s someone who always appeared strong in your eyes and they don’t make it, you begin to question yourself: “How am I supposed to make it?”
The older I get, the more I realize celebrities are just like us. The only difference is they’re rich, famous, and in most cases have some sort of known talent. But they still get sad, they get angry, they get happy, they deal with their own demons, and in some cases they can’t deal anymore. When I was younger, I didn’t realize that. I thought they had it all figured out, just like I thought adults had it all figured out. And here I am at 24, still figuring it out.
I used to look at artists as role models when I was growing up. I was young and naïve and some part of me thought they were invincible. I’m not sure if I use to believe this because they were creators and had the ability to be vulnerable and talk openly about their struggles through their art. They made it seem like despite it all, they were okay, but now that I’m older, I realize it’s quite the opposite. I think many times people who create, who make music, who write, who paint, whatever – they feel things on a much deeper level and they need to express themselves to be able to escape themselves, to breathe, and to feel okay, but I guess sometimes it’s too much.
Within a year, people like Chester Bennington, Avicii, Kate Spade, and Anthony Bourdain have committed suicide; Lil Peep and Mac Miller died of an overdose, and Demi Lovato almost died due to one. The one common factor here stems from mental health. These all affected me in some way because you just don’t expect it to happen. You have no idea that they are struggling because they don’t publicly show it. Then you realize that, to an extent, the same goes for the people in our personal lives. So many people struggle and you have no idea. They either struggle with wanting to stay alive, with some sort of addiction, or with something else. And then when reality hits and someone dies, we all say we should be there for each other. But is it really going to solve the issue?
I’m no professional, and I’m aware that all issues are different, but based on my own experiences with the people around me, I think many mental health issues stem from insecurities or lack of self love. Those are things that no one can change but you. This is a problem we all face in one way or another because even the people you least expect are insecure about something, but it varies and we all deal differently.
I think getting help, as well as having a strong support system, can make a difference, but in the end we need to be able to save ourselves, and I think that's something we can all achieve over time. You have to want to make a change and that’s what we most struggle with. We also need to love others, express that love for each other while we can, and tell people they matter. I know that when I do something kind for someone, I feel better about myself. There’s strength that comes from that because even though people may not treat you how you deserve, you choose not to become defined by others’ lack of reciprocation. However, it’s crucial that in doing so, you’re respecting yourself enough to walk away from something that no longer suits you.
My personal motto when it comes to any personal relationship in my life, whether it be friendship or romantic, is to enter the person’s life and leave it better than what it was like before me. If I leave, it’s because it no longer serves good in my life and that’s okay. If they leave, it’s a lesson learned. I just know there has to be a balance between being there for others and not letting it affect the relationship you have with yourself. That’s something I still struggle with, but I’ve began to treat myself as I would treat my best friend – with love and respect. If you’re not capable of being your own best friend, are you really a true friend to anyone?
When you love yourself, the possibilities are endless. When you love yourself, you seek good because you know you deserve it. You want to get better, you become open and vulnerable, and more accepting of your flaws. I think we need to stop comparing our lives with others. I think we need to remember that we all struggle sometimes and just because you see someone posting about their so called "fabulous life" on Instagram, it’s not all real.
As humans, we want the good to be seen and we sometimes thrive off of that attention and it all stems from our dependency to feel better about ourselves. But that’s not necessarily real life. We need to reach the point of self assurance and love within ourselves that allows us to not care about what others do, say, or think because this is about you, not them.
Dear reader, I hope you know you’re not the only one. I hope you know you’re here for a reason and that every little thing you do affects those around you. You have the ability to impact someone’s life. People may not tell you that, but you’ve changed someone’s life without knowing it. I hope you know you deserve good things. I hope you learn to love yourself because we can’t let more demons win. Just focus on getting through this very moment right now that you’re reading this, and you’ll be okay.
As for Mac Miller, I’ve been listening to my favorite song of his, “Cinderella,” on repeat for the last few days. I thought he had more time – that we’d have more music. It just goes to show that you never know when someone’s last day is. So appreciate the time you have with your loved ones. I try to put pride aside and tell the people I love that I love them more now, because I never want to have that regret. Love in all forms is life. It’s everything.